Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.