If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Something Saturday.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
no
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.