If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Oh no
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.