If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Not my job 😂
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Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
What about a To-Don’t List?
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles