@JumpingJesusH

If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.

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@KyleMcDowell86

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

@suecorvette

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

@javeigh

Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?

@MissHavisham

“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”

@HollyMemphis

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

@LiLdavid29

MUST HAVE BEFORE WATCHING THE CONJURING :

– Bible
– iBible iPhone app
– Holy Water
– Priest
– Jesus
– 5 Jesus necklaces
– Holy Spirt

@beefman138

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

@td_ward

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today