If you love a cat, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours to keep. If it doesn’t, you drove far enough.

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*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*


That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.


Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?


“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”


Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.



– Bible
– iBible iPhone app
– Holy Water
– Priest
– Jesus
– 5 Jesus necklaces
– Holy Spirt


When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.


Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today