You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
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*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
(Electricians.)
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Poetry is my passion
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.