If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
And then there were 4
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?