If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
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I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.