Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
You Might Also Like
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
work smarter, not harder
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf