If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
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God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
This guy gets it.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
sign of the times 🖊
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen