Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade

CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?

I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Every
Single
Year

Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?

SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.

I’m going to jail.

me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

[watching action movie]

*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*

me: damn, I bet that felt really good

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

What a kind woman! 😂😂

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”