Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

[God creating pufferfish]

How about a terrifying balloon

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children

Somebody’s lying.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

I’m not stressed

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.