If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
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WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.