If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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Buying a well is money well spent.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.