If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?