If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?