If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I ordered some groceries, they delivered to the address next door she took them in her house. I went to get them she had put them in the kitchen gone say I thought they was a gift, b***h don’t play with me I’m not in the mood.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Don’t frighten the programmers!
