If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Me irl
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
When you’ve simply given up.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it