Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Social distancing in Australia:

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”