Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.

PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?

SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets

ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.

*violence noises

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Farmer: Netflix and till

Moonshiner: Netflix and still

Estate planner: Netflix and will

Dentist: Netflix and drill

Attorney: Netflix and bill

Mountaineer: Netflix and hill

Doctor: Netflix and ill

Pharmacist: Netflix and pill

Jack: Netflix and Jill

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?

Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.

Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around