Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.

Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window

I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.

Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

Fun Fact:

Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex

First date:

*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*

Her: So, what do you do for a liv-

*bites her in half*