Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

mariah carrie

Who called it med school and not the I.V. League

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

me: I was mugged by a snake

cop: was he armed?

me: *long pause* no

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”

No, it’s literally 2 syllables