Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Smile they said.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

[reverse psychology résumé]

Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)

*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.