Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Angel: Awww babies are so cute!

God: Make them scream

Angel: W-why?

God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?

Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.