If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
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*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns