Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.

“See you on the other side…”

~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is problematic

me: then maybe give me a different word

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.