If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
A game married people play.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.