If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
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Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Has science gone too far?
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.