If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Black Friday “markdowns” like
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.