If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss