If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake