If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
In case you needed to hear it:
