If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”