Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something

12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.

Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

The Sun’s probably Asian.

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.