Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t make me out nice you.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

*Ordering Chinese Food

Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby

me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

my favorite genre of twitter

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]

*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok