If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Pro tip for my good boys out there
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat