If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.