Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

Eat…

universe: you deserve a break

me: wow thanks

universe: *winks*

me: *tumbles down the stairs*

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.

At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…

What do you text your spouse?

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN

her: who’s ur favorite vampire

me: that one on Sesame Street

her: he doesn’t count

me: i assure u he does, Jen

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.