If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.