Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

LUKE: any weekend plans?

OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga

LUKE: omg I have to warn him

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out

Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.

Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink

judge: no

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”