Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

i’m sick of blessings in disguise. i am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits

I think I’m gonna be sick

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”