If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
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[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.