If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
😎 🍻
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
I am all good here, 😂😉
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.