Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.

[static]

MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

Wedding planning is organized crime.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.

well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”

Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

Welcome to the stomach

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?