If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.