If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.