If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box