Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE

Me, reading some of your tweets

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked

You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?

“More Wine”

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.