If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about