If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
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she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Who knew!
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me too, bag. Me too….
not to brag, but mine was free
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.