Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.

But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.

Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!

look scared

Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”

Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue

Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.

The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again

-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

no their not

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word