If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
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If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
mechanics be like
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade