Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?

I was today years old.

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

[at store]

Salesperson: May I help you?

Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

I want my tombstone to read:

Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

#oldknees

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

Based Erika

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.

cry laughing at this shit

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.