If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
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Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.
I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks