If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
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When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.