If you love someone, let them sleep.
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.