If you love someone, let them tweet.
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nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
こいつ天才
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Yup.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips