Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?