If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
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Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
How animals would run if they were human
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
thanksgiving in nutshell
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
me: omg goth bath bombs
santa: that’s charcoal
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please