Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!

– OPiranha

you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)