Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok