Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her

If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

*takes off Scooby-Doo head*

Rivorce?!

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.

Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

Am I financially wealthy? No.

But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.