If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
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Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad