Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them

[canadians at you, canadianly]

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.