If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
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I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I like crazy people until they notice me
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car: