If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
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You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture
The picture:
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.