Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

How to be a Beautiful Woman:

-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.

excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing

Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?

Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

Why can’t Chinese restaurants chop the broccoli in their dishes? I feel like I’m trying to fit an entire bonsai tree into my mouth.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep

DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.