If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Natty or not?
this is literally a CIA plant
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color