Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

We will use anything but the metric system

It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…

We don’t speak Bingo here…

step 6: release the wall snake

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”