me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?