I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You Might Also Like
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
All generalizations are stupid.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination