if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Raisins are grape jerky.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea