GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot
Yes, this list is in order.
I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?”
ME: “Look! Ice cream!”
*5 min later*
3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“