If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

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GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?


Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”


Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.


The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.


Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.


I kinda like zombies…but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk?…my apocolypse plans depend on it….thanks!


When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.


Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–


This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.


3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?”

ME: “Look! Ice cream!”

*5 min later*
3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“