If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
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4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.