Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on my way back to the posting caves]

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?

Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.

Interviewer: How soon can you start?

Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!

–CONCERT NIGHT–

ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.

Nice try, NASA

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?

Trevor in human resources.

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this