If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately