If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.