Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

New menu item

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Tuesday

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

[applying mascara]
Brain: open your mouth.

In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts