If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
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Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Ummm 😳
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.