Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”

Sink: “Good one.”

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Me: *on the computer*

9-year-old: What are you doing?

Me: Registering you for school.

9: I thought we were friends.

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo

thought we’d see more kids named goku by now

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.

My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.