If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”