Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.

“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”

~ whiskey

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!