Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

[first date]

HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.

mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.

Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend