Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets