If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
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Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Bear
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.